Ducks Can Fly......

Healed Without Scars

Thu, 31 Jul 2008 03:49:12 GMT

I thank God for the peace I've felt for the past week and feel right now. I finally got my breakthrough and I couldnt be happier or more excited. I needed to get rid of my bitterness,resentment and unforgiveness. I prayed and prayed and prayed some more, I cant count the times I've laid in the alters crying for this very thing. I'd let a little bit of my pain go only to be smacked in the face with it when I woke up the next morning. Just recently, I was reading an awesome book titled Healed Without Scars and it brought me into a new state of mind about everything. I prayed for the strength, God gave it to me, and I finally let it all go. Every last bit of it. I forgave him for doing it and I forgave her for letting it happen, although I have to admit the forgiving her part was the hardest. She was supposed to protect me, keep me from harm, as a mother she owed me that, but sadly she failed. I was so angry with her for so long, I didnt know if I could let all of that go, all the lost years, the memories we should have shared, the moments when I needed her most and knew she wouldnt be there. How could I forget all of that and just forgive her? It was hard but God gave me the strength and I was able to do it. And I feel so better know that its over.
God(w/ the help of that book) helped me to realize that my unforgiveness towards them was only hurting me, and wasnt affecting them at all. And that by not forgiving them and not moving on, I was letting them continue to control my life. I'd always promised myself that I would never be like her, but by harboring all that bitterness towards her I was letting her decide the person I became.
I refuse to let him or her control my life any longer, and I'm not going to let what happened to me determine the person I become.
I let it all go and gave it to Jesus and in return He gave me peace I could have never imagined. I've never been so happy and free.
I'm loving it, I can finally live my life now.
And I'm living it for Him and following His will.

I wrote this on my blogger in April, after a long and frustrating day. this was how I felt before my recent freedom. Before I let it go. thought I'd give you some background info so you would realize how much this peace means to me. How great it is to feel no pain after feeling that(see below) for so long. I cant explain it. But maybe you'll get it.

"A Letter You Will Never See"

'Sometimes I think about you, I wonder if
you're out there somewhere thinking about me.
And would you even recognize the woman that
your little girl has grown up to be? Did you
think I didn't need you here to hold my hand,
to dry my tears? Did you even miss me
through the years at all?'

I thought about you 2day. I imagined what it would be like if you were here. And i wondered how different things would be if you hadnt left. I still dont understand everything about it. Why you never called? why you never came back after that last visit? why you didnt want 2 see us anymore? I just dont see how you could just leave and not want 2 come back. I dont understand how you could just walk away and not look back. We tried 2 call you. I remember that much. We sent letters and cards, but got nothing in reply. Did you just move and then couldnt get back in contact with us? Did you not care about us anymore? Were we just not important enough 2 you 2 make you come back? There's just so many questions that I need answers 2.

I wish I could see you just once more. I want you 2 see me. I want you 2 kno that even tho you werent it my life, I made it just fine. Sure it hasnt been easy and yes, I was broken for so long, but I made it out and I could have ended up much worse. I want 2 tell you had hard it was growing up w/o you there. Yes, I had her in your place. But there was still that huge hole there where you were supposed 2 be. I want you 2 kno how it feels when other ppl. ask about your mom and you have 2 say "oh, i dont kno where she is." How it feels 2 think you were not good enough for your own mother 2 want 2 stay around. How it feels 2 think it was all your fault. I want you 2 feel that empty hole in my heart that I've felt everyday since you left.

It's not fair that I had 2 grow up w/o you. Seeing other daughters and mothers doing stuff 2gether. Laughing and making memories that they will be able 2 share as the years pass. It makes me angry and I hate you for that. I hate you for letting "it" happen 2 me. You knew it and you didnt stop it. You let it happen over and over and you just looked away and pretended you didnt kno a thing. I cant even stand 2 look at myself in the mirror sometimes, b/c I look like you. I see you in me and I want 2 punch myself or hurt me in some way b/c that's exactly want i want 2 do 2 you. I want 2 make you hurt like you hurt me. But then I would be just like you. And I never want 2 be like you. NEVER! I'm so scared of being you and I hate when ppl tell me I look like you. I hate you for making me hate you. I hate you 4 doing this 2 me. You will never kno how bad you broke me.
I hate that I still want you 2 love me. I still want you 2 appear on my front porch one day, say you've been looking 4 me all this time, hold me and tell me you will never leave me again. I hate that I still need you. I want you 2 kno that I still pray 4 you and I hope where ever you are that you are happy. That you have found Jesus and are going 2 church now. I hope you think about me 2, and want 2 see me as badly as i want 2 see you. But i'm prolly just dreaming and wishing things that will never come true.

I know i will never be able 2 say all this 2 you. I kno I will never see you again and you will never kno wat you did. And I will never get answers 2 all the questions I still have.
But I will move on and leave all this behind. I havent got there yet, but i will. One day I will be able 2 forgive you for what you did. One day I will be able 2 let it all go. It might not be 2day and it might not be 2morrow, but it will happen. You will not control me 4ever. Someday i will break out of this shadow that you have put over my life and i wont be broken anymore. I hope someday is coming soon.

'Forgiveness is such a simple word.
But it's so hard to do
When you've been hurt.'

Just Plain Tired of Pretending

Tue, 22 Jul 2008 07:44:03 GMT

Im just....tired. tired of all the pretending. plastering that fake smile on my face and lying to everyone I care about. It's all becoming too much for me. I thought I was strong enough to keep up with it all, but I'm failing hopelessly.

1. I'm truly trying to keep on the right path here. Im reading my bible, Im praying, Im doing everything I know to do to stay close to God. So far I'm doing pretty good, but i know it won't last for long. It's always like this, things go good for awhile but I'm not strong enough to keep it all up. I know that once I go back to school I will fall back to where I was before. I'm just not strong enough to handle the pressure that I know is coming. So yea, Im great right now. Everything is awesome, but I know it wont be for long and that fear of getting back to where I was is always lingering over me. It's overwhelming.

2. She is my best friend, practically my sister. But all her little emo crap is driving me insane. Look i know you have problems, everybody does, but do you have to be all "woe is me, my life sucks" all the time? I have kept this mask on for some time now, I think im pretty good at this whole pretending thing. dont you think you could at least try to act like the world isnt falling on your shoulders all the time? I seriously dont think your problems are any worse then the rest of us, and we dont whine all the time, so can you please just stop it. Life is hard, trying to stay right with God and trying to hold up under the pressure is hard, But you are not the only one who has to deal with it. we all deal with it everyday, but we dont cry about it all the time. Its no harder for you than it is for the rest of us, if anything, its easier for you b/c u r sheltered and home-schooled. JUST QUIT IT! PLEASE!
Oh, and the whole not wanting to talk about some huge thing in your past thing. If u dont want to talk about it, stop bringing it up all the time. "well i've told so and so this much, but this person knows more, and this other person knows the most and that scares me" blah-blah-blah-blah-blah! SHUT UP! I know you've been hurt, I know you've had somethings happen in your life that havent been the most pleasant, but all that you've been through cant be worse than what I've had to face since I was a little kid. It could be the same thing that happened to you but i highly doubt it, dont dramatize it so much. what happened, happened, you cant change it so stop bringing it up and then saying you dont want to talk about it. I dont talk about what happened to me, its okay not to talk about, but i dont bring it up every chance I get and try to turn it in to this huge thing that every body is like "oh, i wonder what happened to her, it was something horrible. lets feel sorry for her now and pet her cuz she's a little emo kid"
Please just stop! your life is not that horrible, you have both your parents, a ton of friends, a nice house, nice clothes, a great church(family), and just about anything else you could ask for. There are ppl out there who dont have half of that and who's lives are way way worse. Get over yourself!

3. I hate how I have to ask what you are doing to be invited to something. It would be nice if every once in awhile you would just call me up and ask me to do something without me calling you first. I feel like I'm still the outsider here, maybe I'm just not that important to be thought about when planning things to do together. I hate that I dont get invited to go to the movies with you unless I call "her" and ask if you are all doing something. would it kill you to make a teeny tiny phone call to see if maybe I'd like to go too. wait of course it would. how stupid of me to think other wise. its funny, I gave up my other friends, my "non-christian" friends, b/c I thought I finally had some good, godly friends that I could depend on, who would build me up instead of bring me down, I was wrong. you guys are the perfect group, if only I was in your group. pathetic of me to think I ever was.

it was so liberating to be able to get all that out even though I know I will never confess it all out loud. It feels nice to not have to lie anymore, but the lying will continue when I wake up in the morning. OH JOY!

Isaiah 43:2

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 06:27:09 GMT

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you."

Im going through a storm in my life right now. And i've felt hopeless a few... no, many times.
I cant count the times I've asked God to take me out of this situation, to take away my pain. But I realized something, He didnt say for me 2 pray and He'd bring me out. He said He would help me through it, he would go with me and He'd never leave me. He may not take away my pain, but He will give me the strength 2 bare it. He shall be my comfort and my shelter while my storm rages on. Im still going through this, but I haven't broken down yet, So i'm praising God anyway.

PINK HAIR!

Thu, 17 Jul 2008 03:39:06 GMT

I'm dying my hair right this minute.
its pink and striped.
how awesome is that?!

Letting Go Is Hard, Holding On Is Even Harder

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 20:45:57 GMT

"Dying is easy, It's living that's hard. Don't take the easy way out."

There is a rope hanging off the side of a cliff. And at the end of this rope is a scared girl holding on tightly for her life. She's tired w/ swollen eyes from crying for so long. Her hair is a mess, her clothes are torned, she's been beaten, bruised, and burnt. She looks straight up and sees light and blue skies. The light is 2 bright and hurts her eyes, she quickly looks back down. Below her it is dark, cool, and quiet. Memories from that dark place flash repeatedly in her mind, the laughter-that had so quickly turned into tears-filled her ears once again. A cold breeeze from below drifts up 2 where she is, she shivers, tightly shuts her eyes, and gets a better grip on the rope. The rope moves a little, about half an inch upward. She feels the slight movement and opens her eyes once again, w/ the hopes that someone will finish pulling the rope up until she's out of this abyss. But it doesnt move any farther than that. Figures, she thinks, it's been this way for a little while now. The rope moves about an inch every week, but no more than that. Sometimes, she'll look back suddenly and the rope will slip and fall back down a couple of inches and she'll lose at least 3 weeks of progress. She still has plenty of yards 2 go b4 she even gets close 2 the top. She hasnt slept or had any sort of peace in what seems like forever, she's so very tired. She looks down again, the darkness below her is oddly comforting. She forces the bad memories 2 the back of her mind and remembers all the goodtimes she had back there. A fleeting thought flickers in her mind, maybe she should let go and go back down there, where she might get a little rest and be able 2 relive all those good memories. She almost lets go of that rope, but she realizes what she would be giving up and holds on even tighter. Kicking herself in her mind, for even thinking she could go back and find rest and peace. She had never been truly happy while she was there, but she had been able 2 hide her unhappiness b/c it was so dark down there. There was no need for her to go back though. If she held on long enuff, this rope would get 2 the top and she would find peace and rest eventually. She just has 2 somehow find the strength 2 hold on until then.

The Basics

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 20:03:07 GMT

The post below this one is an old one that i copied from my Blogger. i wrote it in march and so far things are slowly improving.

Im working on getting closer to God. I still havent been able 2 let go of every detail of my past, but i'm getting close....i think.
I have great supportive friends, and though they have no idea what is going on or what i'm dealing with, they still help me out alot. I have an awesome boyfriend and even though i cant fully open up 2 him and tell him everything the way he wants me to, he listens when i do tell him little things and he tries to understand and help me. He cant fix everything and make it alright but i let him try and think he can.

Im trying to deal with the anger and bitterness i still feel about what happened, and its getting easier. God is slowly healing the wounds, I know to be completely healed I'm going to have to forgive the people that hurt me and I'm going to have to stop occasionally blaming God. I'm trying, I really am, but its a long and hard process. I'm just praying for the strength to get through this.

Confessions:

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 18:29:38 GMT

I NEED 2 BREATHE. dont get me wrong i love my family n all my friends, i truly do. n i kno they love me, but they can be completely clueless sometimes. I AM NOT HAPPY. n i haven't been truly happy 4 some time now, n no one knows it. i mean i have practiced years of hiding it, n have become quite good at it, but come on ppl! there's comes a point where u start 2 wonder if they cant see my hurt or if they r just ignoring it. no one even bothers 2 ask me if im happy, or if something is bothering me. i usually dont tlk about this stuff but if someone just sat down w/ me n asked me n tried 2 tlk 2 me now, i wouldnt totally object 2 it. i dont kno wat else 2 do. except, write about it....? okay i will pour this all out now. confessions, if u dont want 2 kno, u dont have 2 read it.

I WANT 2 BE HAPPY AGAIN. TRULY HAPPY. I DONT WANT 2 HURT NE MORE. I WANT 2 BE ABLE 2 GO 2 SLEEP AT NIGHT N FEEL SOMETHING OTHER THAN LONELINESS. I WANT 2 TRUST PPL. AGAIN. I WANT 2 BE ABLE 2 GET CLOSE 2 PPL. W/O FEAR OF ABANDONMENT OR REJECTION HOVERING OVER ME. I DONT WANT 2 PRETEND NE MORE. I WANT SOMEONE 2 ASK ME IF IM OKAY N 4 ME 2 BE ABLE 2 SAY "YES" W/O IT BEING A LIE. I WANT 2 SMILE AGAIN. NOT A FAKE SMILE THAT I HAVE PRACTICED MANY TIMES. A SMILE OF TRUE HAPPINESS. A SMILE THAT RADIATES HAPPINESS FROM THE VERY DEPTHS OF MY SOUL N HEART.

I WANT 2 LOOK N THE MIRROR N NOT BE DISGUSTED BY WAT I SEE. I WANT 2 BE ABLE 2 LOOK N THE MIRROR N NOT ONLY SEE EVERY SINGLE IMPERFECTION SCREAMING AT ME. I WANT 2 BE ABLE 2 WATCH T.V. OR READ A MAGAZINE W/O FEELING LIKE CRAP BY THE TIME IM FINISHED.I WANT 2 LOVE MYSELF N BE HAPPY W/ WHO I AM. I WANT 2 STOP COMPARING MYSELF 2 EVERY SINGLE GIRL I SEE. I WANT 2 BE ABLE 2 EAT W/O FEELING LIKE A FAILURE. I WANT 2 LOOK AT MYSELF N SEE SOMETHING OTHER THAN A HUGE MESS.

I WANT 2 BE LOVED 4 WHO I AM NOT 4 WHO I PRETEND 2 BE. I WANT 2 BE HELD WHILE I CRY. I WANT SOMEONE 2 TELL ME THAT EVERYTHING IS GOING 2 BE ALRIGHT. I WANT SOMEONE 2 LISTEN 2 ME AND ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT HOW I FEEL. I WANT 2 SOMEONE 2 ASK ME HOW I AM N ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THE ANSWER NOT JUST ASK 2 BE ASKING. I WANT 2 STOP FEELING LIKE IM WORTHLESS. I WANT SOMEONE, ANYONE, 2 SAY THEY LOVE ME. AND ACTUALLY MEAN IT! I WANT SOMEONE 2 SIT W/ ME, JUST SIT THERE W/O SAYING NE THING, WHILE I CRY. I WANT 2 LET GO OF MY BITTERNESS N RESENTMENT. I WANT 2 LET GO N BE ABLE 2 FORGIVE ALL THE PPL. WHO HAVE HURT ME WHEN I WAS YOUNGER N AS I GREW UP. I WANT 2 LET GO OF MY PAST N MY HURT N MY FEAR, MY PAIN, N MY DIS-TRUST. I WANT 2 BE ABLE 2 LET MY WALLS DOWN 4 GOOD. I WANT 2 LIVE A FULL N HAPPY LIFE.

But most of all, above everything else, I want my desire 4 God back. There was a point n my life not 2 long ago when the only thing i wanted was 2 be closer 2 HIM. Somewhere along the way, thru everything, I lost that desire. I want it back so badly. I want 2 get back 2 that place where all i want n all i need is 2 be close 2 God. I want 2 be able 2 feel him again, I want 2 be able 2 hear him again. I want 2 stop this feeling of bitterness towards him. I want 2 stop blaming him 4 everything that has happened 2 me. I just want 2 be completely n love w/ him again. I want my desire 2 follow his will back. I want 2 get back 2 where i am totally dependent on him. where i trust him for everything. I want Jesus 2 be my everything again. Only then will i be completely happy. Problem is i dont quite kno how 2 get there.??????

Well, thnx 4 reading.

-Becca